It's the little things.

Like when someone is trying to calculate the age of my sister's baby. I instantly calculate how old Teo is based on how long it has been since Leo was born. Or like when someone remarks that they can't believe my sister just had a baby 2 1/2 mo ago, based on how great she looks. I wanted to say "I did, too! 2 mo ago, I had a baby, too". My reaction was without thought - it just rose up inside me and wanted out. It took me a little by surprise. I thought about it. Why did I feel the desire to say that? Was it so I could also receive a comment about how I look? Some attention for my ego? Was it just to tell them about Leo? I realized that their lack of acknowledgment about my recent pregnancy was both a reminder to me that Leo is not here with us and that there are people that don't know. That new acquaintances in my life don't even know about Leo. And might never know about Leo. That is weird to me. Because Leo is such a big part of my life. It feels strange that not everyone knows about him. And if feels strange not to tell everyone about him.

I know that my reactions are normal. I mean, my God, it has only been two months. It's so recent. But the interesting thing...the thing that I have a difficult time explaining to others is that it feels like a lifetime ago. Like it happened to me but just not in this lifetime. I have no anger. No regret. Even no pain surrounding Leo anymore.

I have sadness. Sadness over missing him. Over not being able to know him. Over not being able to kiss his soft squishy face. Over not being able to look into his eyes and have him look into mine. But this sadness is different than pain. I am not just coming to terms with what happened. I am peaceful.