It is been 2 1/2 months since Leo died. A lifetime and a blink of an eye. So much has changed in my world. Externally and internally, I am in a different place now. I live in a town with a population of 4,000; just 10% of the one I left. I am now a tentant in a small cape cottage, no longer an owner of a downtown loft-style condo. I am about to start a new job. I have begun to make new acquaintances. I am surrounded by nature, so close that there is no separation between it and me. I no longer have to go somewhere to find the peace that nature so willingly gives us. It is in my home. It is inside me.
For quite some time I have been longing for and moving toward a more peaceful and simple way of living. Small changes here and there were always seemingly hidden in the chaos that I continued to feel on a daily basis. Resistance lingered. Then Leo died. And suddenly without asking, my life was changed forever. As the fog of the initial shock lifted in the weeks that followed, I realized that everything I was striving for and how to get it seemed to clarify in my mind, in an electric kind of way. It sounds weird to say out loud. I mean I'd give anything to be able to be in my present state of mind with Leo here, too. But I feel that if everything that's happened in my life this past year hadn't happened, then I wouldn't be. And that includes Leo.
It's incredibly sad that Leo died (and to even say that is a ridiculous understatement). But his life as short as it was, was truly a gift to me. From the moment I realized I was pregnant, I experienced pure joy. I enjoyed (nearly) every minute of being pregnant. Even being able to give birth to him was a gift. Giving birth was so incredibly empowering, particularly because he was no longer living. It was my final gift to him. A completion of his journey in his physical state.
I'll always have the vivid memories of our final three days together and I have his gift of helping me grow into this person that I now am. I still cry of course but I'm genuinely O.K. At times less O.K. than others, but O.K.
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Your words although painful are beautifully written! As I re-read this entry, I am moved to tears! I have of course wanted to talk to you but you are right what are the right words to say? All I can say is that I think about you and your family every single day and hope that your new journey will be one of healing, love and joy! With love, Melisa
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